They say things will be easy when you grow up; the universe will expand and the marriage between the oceans will be legalized. However, the more you become older the more complex things seem to get. One moment you worry about the papers that you might have lost and the next second you have to cook as relatives that you probably have not seen since your cousin got married in Hong Kong a few years ago decided to drop by out of nowhere. We always think as children that oh only if I was fifteen and could do everything; at that age you realize that there are even more things that are denied and you keep wishing to be older; by the time you reach the age when everything is allowed, nothing seems to be tempting anymore. Life has taken over you and Hong Kong and Paris and Rio de Janeiro are dreams that you can only dream of and they are even more distant than they used to be. And suddenly you wish you were a child again.
I should be content at this moment; I am in love with a person who loves me. That used to be my dream, that used to be everything that I wanted and that was all. I thought if that ever happened, everything would be perfect and dreams were not needed anymore. However, dreams are still necessary and unfortunately we crave even more. I am in Croatia and there is nothing do as I barely can say my name in the language that was completely unfamiliar to my tongue. My loved one has his work, his life, his family, his friends, his thing in this city and I am beginning to get used of feeling being "all by myself". I spent daily nine hours doing almost nothing, wondering and littering the streets of Osijek and there is a little else I can do. My friend said I am like an American middle-class housewife only without children and certainly the feeling strikes to be fairly similar. I have no education nor can I become anything. My work is completely nothing and everything is handled by my husband; I have no authority and no knowledge and I seem to be a puppet with strings. I just follow and I have never followed before in my life. It makes me feel empty.
Last week I found out that University of Maastricht wants to interview me and I am rather terrified as it is the only university that has given me an invite for an interview. I know I am in a weak position. I am a kid that threw away Middlebury College in order to live with the person I love. I wish things were simple. However, now I believe they will never be simple anymore. They will only get more complex.
(Photo from New Delhi, Summer 2009.)
Hi, I stumbled upon your blog, Glad I did because reading what you wrote is very similar to what I have experienced this past year in Croatia. What helped me was attending Croatian lessons in a classroom setting, it was more for socializing purposes than learning. I can understand the frustation and I agree its difficult to find a job if you don't understand the language. Good luck on your interview!
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