Saturday, October 30, 2010

While it still is October

We went to Amstelveen travelled for an hour and fifteen minutes searching for an Indian festival of lights, one of the holiest holidays of the nation. Had a bottle of German white wine, enjoyed the saxophone with electronic dance music and the fireworks that were blown into the sky. Randomly took a bus to Amsterdam and walked along the streets blending into the crowd and no one anymore cared who or what you were. The city reminds me of absolute freedom an idealistic utopia that should have a place only in your mind. However, in Amsterdam things become real and you feel like you have missed you entire life when you see in pink-neon lights "SEX CINEMA" and the opposite of it we have a Tibetan restaurant what else could you imagine there?

The first time I came to Amsterdam - it was just a few days before I moved to Swaziland & before I turned eighteen & started drinking & smoking - I found it be the best place on the Earth. I saw kids running around the red light district where the smell of the weed is the norm the daily routine and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Sex shops next to a kind toy store, gay boy kisses & the touch of eternal freedom shivers your spine and you feel the feeling rushing through your veins and yet with all the adrenaline, everything is still perfect.

On Monday-morning new classes will start & I believe its everything else than an opening a new chapter in my life.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Dance with me

It has been a long time since I last wrote. I have been feeling awfully nostalgic sometime now and I thought it would be good if I wrote my feelings down like I did two years ago. Since I was fourteen I kept a blog, describing my life and movements in Helsinki, needing more and more comments, the more I would get the more I would write about my life and I have everything kept safe. From the point when I first thought I had fallen in love in Durban to my suspension for hosting a member of the opposite sex overnight at the boarding school. But there is only a little written about what happened this year. The older I grew, the less I began to write. Things got more complicated, more real and somehow someway the writing ceased. Now, this night, I had decided to write somethings for myself to remember when I read this ten years after:

I have met some amazing people at my new school in the Hague; I thought I could never find friends that I had had before and it seemed very likely the first week I spent in my new hometown. And everything changed a bit by bit, things happened and I found myself laughing with so many different people. Things seemed to work out when coming to the social life - I had good friends to whom I could talk whenever wherever. I think some have unconsciously already became such friends.

Even though I'm overwhelmingly sad about the fact that I don't see S, I seem to cope. I had a devastating week and I felt giving in and drinking alcohol excessively, which last year resulted in dropping out from university in the United States and moving in with a man that I had known for two weeks physically and seven months virtually. This week was terrible. I had presentations after presentations and I freeze and fail. It is a common feeling, isn't it?

However, I am still sad. I miss the touch, I miss the feeling of being next to your loved one, waking up next to him, feeling happy and living your life. I am sad, but I am happy, because when you know this feeling, you know that you are in love and this will never let you down - even when you are sad, it does not let you down. I miss S, but things will work out. Everything will be alright.