Monday, March 22, 2010


They say things will be easy when you grow up; the universe will expand and the marriage between the oceans will be legalized. However, the more you become older the more complex things seem to get. One moment you worry about the papers that you might have lost and the next second you have to cook as relatives that you probably have not seen since your cousin got married in Hong Kong a few years ago decided to drop by out of nowhere. We always think as children that oh only if I was fifteen and could do everything; at that age you realize that there are even more things that are denied and you keep wishing to be older; by the time you reach the age when everything is allowed, nothing seems to be tempting anymore. Life has taken over you and Hong Kong and Paris and Rio de Janeiro are dreams that you can only dream of and they are even more distant than they used to be. And suddenly you wish you were a child again.

I should be content at this moment; I am in love with a person who loves me. That used to be my dream, that used to be everything that I wanted and that was all. I thought if that ever happened, everything would be perfect and dreams were not needed anymore. However, dreams are still necessary and unfortunately we crave even more. I am in Croatia and there is nothing do as I barely can say my name in the language that was completely unfamiliar to my tongue. My loved one has his work, his life, his family, his friends, his thing in this city and I am beginning to get used of feeling being "all by myself". I spent daily nine hours doing almost nothing, wondering and littering the streets of Osijek and there is a little else I can do. My friend said I am like an American middle-class housewife only without children and certainly the feeling strikes to be fairly similar. I have no education nor can I become anything. My work is completely nothing and everything is handled by my husband; I have no authority and no knowledge and I seem to be a puppet with strings. I just follow and I have never followed before in my life. It makes me feel empty.

Last week I found out that University of Maastricht wants to interview me and I am rather terrified as it is the only university that has given me an invite for an interview. I know I am in a weak position. I am a kid that threw away Middlebury College in order to live with the person I love. I wish things were simple. However, now I believe they will never be simple anymore. They will only get more complex.

(Photo from New Delhi, Summer 2009.)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The love story of the snow and the sun

Snow piling on your shoulders, light flakes becoming heavier
& things evolving to something related to the word complicated.

Branches weep, because they are naked.
They shiver in the cold, and no one holds them
to keep them warm.

They think I am too cold to love, the snow cries.
And most certainly it was horrible as she
had fallen in love with the sun.

They are unable to touch each other;
they are unable to make love;
they are unable to hold;

but they love no matter what.

The snow can only watch the sun; she can witness the sun waking up
with a smile, when he sees the snow looking at him with love.

Faded colors, vintage sky and factory smoke
all were jealous of the love story the snow & the sun.

The boats sailed across the world to share the story of the century.
No one in Maldives believed that the sun could fall in love with such a thing as snow.

In the Antarctica no one believed that the snow could ever fall in love
with something that is the deadliest thing to her love.

The boats sailed to places such as Congo, Switzerland and Paraguay.
Branches, the naked and shivering ones, wondered how it was possible.

Wondering people believe in limits, boundaries and restrictions.

The world slips through the fingers of wondering, rational people.

There world is not that complicated --
the snow is in love with the sun.

Simple, as the boats said to the story listeners in Bulgaria.

One day the spring will come, though.
The love story of the snow and the sun is a short story.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Helsinki when it is the coldest

A child asks her mother where snow comes from.
She says it comes the sky, from the heaven.
I thought to myself she the sky is her limit.

You took my hand,
and before I knew I fell.

It was my first time ice-skating.

There are boundaries only if you create ones for yourself.
I stood up and fell again.

You laughed.
Kindly with a smile.

They have snow in the churches, too.
You are lying.
No, no, honestly.
You are playing with me.
No, I am completely serious. Go and see for yourself.
They really have snow in the churches? I asked with a great wonder.

And then I remembered...

...there were no boundaries for imagination either.

You loved snow
almost as much you loved me, you had said.

This is Helsinki, you said proudly.
This is where my home --

I wanted to interrupt you and say you live with me now --

was until I met you.

We have some buildings that are unfortunate enough to be unloved
for most their lives...

...and then we have others that only know unloved
as a word, not an emotion.

And you? I asked.

I am the fortunate enough, you replied
and kissed me in the snow.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Another love story

Things changed last year; there was no going back anymore. An acceptance letter to a study session in Strasbourg. An early flight from Helsinki to Frankfurt and terrified feeling taking over me as I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I had became a smoker a few weeks earlier and craved for a cigarette after a short flight; I was petrified, because I had no idea what I was doing. When I arrived to Strasbourg, I was exhausted and terribly panicky. I wanted to go back to Finland & be comfortable with my surrounding. And then something unexpected happened -- I fell in love.

he came and talk to me on Monday when I was presenting United World Colleges to our conference. we talked but I thought it all was harmless because I assumed he was straight he invited me to their party and our group went there the first thing he does he greets me and serves me alcohol I drank different kinds of alcohol from Balkan and I'm starting to feel dizzy. a Macedonian guy from my group kisses me, but my head's exploding because the only thing I want is to kiss the Croatian guy tell him how beautiful he is so I escape to him and we got to his room drunk and exhausted. I wake up next to him he smiles gently and I fall in love with his eyes he kisses me I'm reserved and torn apart because never before I had ended up in a bed with a stranger. I tell him I'll ignore him that day I don't give him a reason and he thinks I'm just joking. everything starts to fall.

we didn't talk to each other for three days after that. I had left my food coupons in his room, but he never returned them to me. he tried to talk to me the very first day but I was too embarrassed so nothing happened. we try to meet each other I stay behind so I could meet him but he comes with someone else I wait for him in the dining area but he's delayed and even his friends poke me and say hi and text him that 'come down Slaven, he's here alone' but nothing happens. on Friday he grabs me out of the cafeteria says he's tired of games we used Marija from Serbia as our communication tool he asks if I wish to watch movies with him that night I tell him yes he kisses me gently no one sees us.

that night I went to his room again found myself in a situation that was everything else than I was losing all my principles even when I was sober. kissing him the sound of his breath his gentle touches on my neck everything made sense at that moment.

he took me to Strasbourg for lunch. we went to Mc Donald's as it had became some kind of a joke between us two he bought my meal and I felt slightly awkward about it and I didn't know how to eat in front of him but I loved watching him listening him speaking about his country telling about the situation between Slovenia and Croatia learning about his past current future. he speaks fluent French he's good with people he held my hand in Strasbourg in front of anyone we kissed publicly in the city and I felt as everything that I had ever wanted I had gotten now with him. we spoke about children he asked me if I wanted any I said yes he said me too we dropped the conversation, but in my head I started imagining and painting pictures. the lunch in Strasbourg was beautiful we tried to ask people to take a photo of us two but people were too busy they didn't have time to stop we wandered around and I felt good with him. we ran to the tram without tickets and obviously we got busted and fined 26 euros. I'd have paid more just to be with him.

I spent some parts of Sunday night with him went back to farewell party then again to his room around at 3am and decided that I'll travel with him to Frankfurt at 6am although my originally plan was to leave at 9am. we talked kissed spoke touched danced looked played listened things you do things you enjoy but we didn't sleep because suddenly his alarm clock began to buzz and I'm like you're kidding me you're seriously kidding me and it was 5:30am and I hadn't even packed yet. so I run to my room pack everything lost my friendship-book and took a cab to the train station with his group. I felt grumpy and restless no cigarettes in a long time and I was doubting myself again. and then something really strange happened. I realized I don't wish to leave this guy. no. or tomorrow. we kissed in the train. we actually kissed from Strasbourg until he checked-in. people children grandmothers aunts policemen ticket-inspectors black everyone stared at us but we continued kissing holding hands feeling good about each other making the world understand that we don't care. he fell asleep on my arms for a minute or two I loved him his smell his breath everything about him we changed trains three times and on the last one we didn't have any seats so we just sat in front of the door and kissed and held hands we went to the airport café for breakfast he wanted to buy me breakfast I told him no but ended up buying hot chocolate I sat next to him kissed him while he was eating his breakfast he fed me potatoes and smiled and I told him I might be falling for you he said I love you and asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl I said a girl and he was me, too, we wouldn't survive with a boy because neither of us knows any sports and I laughed. I said that he could teach her cook and then he said I could give her fashion advices and I grinned and kissed him again.

every time he smiled this ghost in me switched on feel good-emotion. every time he kissed this paranoia in me switched on you're in love-emotion. every time I saw him the world looked wonderful everything was amazing nothing could have gone wrong and I couldn't stop thinking of him soon. when he left I felt sad. but honestly it's better off me meeting him for a week than never meeting him. I just think that he'll be the one for me. the one that will tease my mind for the rest of my life. even after six years if I meet him and I'm happily with someone my feelings for him would be stronger than for anyone else. yesterday we were planning to meet again. I was imagining us two moving together. things that I shouldn't do. things that you do when you're in love.
- N, March 3, 2009

take my hand come closer and kiss me when everyone is looking at us.

in the tunnel speaking words saying goodbyes crying because nothing else make sense.

running running running forgot your ticket and inspectors demand for money you say I'm sorry I was in love.

we go to the cinema and the only movie I'm able to watch is you.

in hurry in rush madam please can you take a photo of us no sorry I'm not in love and don't wish to take a photo of love.

the only thing that the tree desires is to be a James Bond and in love. you don't need both I say. love is enough.

apples red green yellow which one is your favorite it used to be green but now it's your.

people come and go they enter your life and find a door out. you took me to Mc Donald's and I never find my way out. but I had you.

the train station had never said I love you so many times. neither had the train.

the stars up there and you down here with me.

this story is read only to few. it started with he's the only thing in my mind. it ended with he's the only thing my mind and I'm the only thing in his mind.

speak a little more so I don't have to stop listening to you. strasbourg 2009.

A few days after we had departed, I received an email from you that makes me heart tremble every time I read it.

Dragi N,

Everyone likes you too N, I heard so many nice things about you, but I don't need to hear about your qualities, I can see them myself. Besides being the best looking man I've ever seen, I enjoy you so much, I love your smile, I love that you are international as I am, I like that you are not like other guys, you are warm and giving. God damn you, N, I really can't stop thinking of you. I think of you whole day, days already. I don't think of anything else, absolutely nothing, just you, and our reunion. My friends are shocked how I act, since they've never seen me so euphoric before, so happy, so sad, so emotional. Some of them even compared me with a woman during PMS :) See what you are doing to me.

I would love to see us by the end of the year living somewhere in the world, me working in some NGO/political international organisation or whatever, you studying. We would live together, I would cook for you (as I am a really good cook), we would walk down the street every day and hold for hands, kiss in metro, train, plane....where ever. And later having children together, you would be an amazing dad, we would be so happy.... damn you N, I already picture you as my husband. I really do.

I look horrible now, no sleep, haven't shaved for days, I am totally lost, I am not productive, I don't do ANYTHING on the work, I don't have my usual hyperactivity, creativity, all my energy is invested into you, and I am soooo disappointed I did not chat with you N, I am so disappointed, I am afraid I won't be able to sleep at all :( I just want to hear your voice..... so badly.

I love you.
We were not suppose to be together; I booked tickets for Budapest in March to see him, but my parents found out about us and stopped me. He booked tickets for Helsinki in May, but he was unable to come, because at the same time my relatives from the Netherlands came to discuss my "situation". In summer, I left for India and stayed there for seven weeks. We only met in August -- five months after -- and one week in Paris & Strasbourg was more than I had ever imagined. However, then I left for the United States and he was suppose to move with me. Everything failed.

In December I decided to drop out from college & move to Croatia. Last weekend we celebrated our one-year anniversary.

And I am more than happy.

Dots in the sky

Hurry hurry, rush rush, run run,
you will miss the train &
then your whole life will collapse.

A minute here and there, I said,
matters nothing if you are with me.

And when you are away, maybe in a train that will bring you to me,
I am unable to think of anything else than how many minutes
there are until I will kiss & hold & touch you again.

We met in a park trees covered with snow as leaves had taken a maternity leave.
That is how you describe the park where time ceased existing for me.

Someone has attached dots to the sky, you told me, when birds flew above us.
I smiled and you took my hand.
The dots move, you continued.
And they did.

We met when winter was the saddest.
It was a long season, longest in several years, they said.
I had lost the count; only you mattered.

The winter never ended -- it snowed, dots moved in the sky & I missed the trains.
When we met winter was the saddest.
When we loved winter was the happiest
& never-ending.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Heart's heart

You named your first love "Never-ending" and fed him strawberries that you had picked from Pluto. Things were wonderful. You loved him and he loved you. You said I love you and he said I love you back. Things were perfect. Whenever you kissed him your skin shivered and "Never-ending" trembled his hand holding yours. Things were more than perfect.

Whenever you were away from him your heart screamed please let me hear the sounds of my heart that beats in another body please please so I can keep my master's body working. Things fell apart whenever he left and went back home.

Terror visited your lungs and caused chaos and you
shouted at people who were not called "Never-ending",
because nothing else mattered.

Things were slipping away.
You found yourself crying in the bathroom spilling out your guts whenever someone else kissed their "Never-ending", but secretly you thought that you only had "Never-ending", because it had felt so out of the world so out of the cosmos so out of the reality that no one else would know how you would feel.

He was away longer than a day longer than a week longer than a month and things were not only starting to fall apart they were literally drowning in the universe
unable to swim.

Your lungs began to protest rage against the lack of his breath
your liver tasted liquor that you poured down your throat sobriety
had paid her goodbyes on the third day and vice versa. Then they
announced that Mars was not a planet anymore it was the Earth and everyone needed to be evacuated everyone except for those who thought that the Earth was still the Earth and you kept thinking logically that if

"Never-ending" is "Never-ending"
then the Earth is the Earth

the more than perfect things drowned deeper in the trench obnoxiously named "Never-ending" by the scientist who never believed in planets. The monsters you face when you have fallen out when someone forces you to leave the thing you are unable to utter anymore

they creep in your collarbones masqueraded but you recognize them you feel them crawling in your mind and there world shuts down. The monsters with four eyes seven legs twelve hearts eighteen lungs and ninety-five "Never-endings" and the only thing you wanted was
to see him

nothing else
nothing more
nothing less

so your heart could hear the sounds of
its heart that beats in another body.

I have been together with him for a year now & still happy.