Thursday, July 1, 2010

Aren't we all running?

let's read books and fall in love with characters, who will not love you back.
zanzibar, 2007.

There is this annoying error in you that makes you want to live the things that you already have experienced once again. You read the things that you have written in the past and no matter how vivid and lively you have tried to make them, they keep continue being words and images in your mind and nothing more. You thought that time that nothing was fine and everything will be better in the future, but when tomorrow comes by and knocks your door you are thinking of yesterday that was vaguely more pleasant if nothing else. You have fallen in love, you have the money and you can stay in a luxurious four-star hotel in the city that you never thought of visiting. However, things get more and more complicated and they say the more experience you have, the better you can handle things, but if you are like me, nothing feels better than idolizing the past, the time where you lived as the time where you live is lacking of something, something necessary - and when you will look back at this day, it all is going to make sense. Now when it is known, you know what to expect. When it is unknown, you know nothing and you say Aren't we all running?

This year I have traveled to Finland twice, visited Belgrade that is the European version of New York City, gone to Graz that is beautiful, been disgusted by Montenegrin Podgorica that is a city where you could film a futuristic film about the global society that has collapsed, smoked marihuana in the war-zone of Sarajevo, annoyed dozens of other tourists in the old city of Dubrovnik, kissed in the rainy Budapest, wondered through alleys of Madrid and still nothing is fine. This year is still this year and it is a problem until it becomes last year, because then I have the real and correct reason to romanticize it. Until then, I suffer through it, fight with your loved one, live in anxiety and be afraid of the future and the only secure thing you seem to have is the past, you curse yourself for not being happier, jollier and other adjectives that are labeled positive when you learn languages. It is a problem that I have - I am constantly yearning the past and unable to live today. I have identified the problem long time ago and it occurs all the time. They say there is no cure for it. You live through it, because there are happy moments in your life. It is just that you don't recognize them until they are over and therefore you are unable to truly enjoy them.

I guess one year I should celebrate the new year in Russian Valivostok, the largest port city on the Pacific Ocean. And as soon as the year changes, I should take a charter flight to Anchorage, Alaska where they would live in the past for me and celebrate the New Year's Eve once again. 

Perhaps then I would realize that the change in days, weeks, months or years makes no difference. 

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