More lists

 

I was not sure if it was you.

And I am still not sure if it is you.

I attempted to learn ten consonants of Indian alphabets two hours ago and I believe if I continue studying all these letters and things that simply make no sense, I could learn to read and write my mother language in less than two weeks. Perhaps not fluently, maybe I will not be India's next prestigious poet and most probably I will give up in weeks, but I still need to try. A few years ago I had the habit of making a list of things that I should do when the New Year knocked your heart and entered with fireworks. I tended to make the list vague and general so it could apply to every single person in the world, but the following list is for my mind, for my heart, for my crumbling world as I need some things that could keep my universe intact. Each year is heavier and more difficult than the earlier one - and each year I would like to believe things will change - and each year I cry more than in the previous one - and with more sadness, I am merrier. But I need stability. I need something constant as right at the moment the ground on which I walk shifts and changes too often and I fall and soon enough I will be incapable of standing up on my own anymore. Change is necessary and this time I will be the change.

1. I will learn to read and write Hindi and in addition to that, I will begin to study French and will be able to produce a short story by end of the year in both languages. The stories will be happier than any other story that I have written in my life. They will be also the first stories I have written since 2009.
2. Tell my mother and father and my brothers, how much I love them & care for them. They have been there always, they have done the best for me and without their help and support I would have been unable to do all the things I have done in my life. Including writing stories about falling love & falling out from love.
3. Read at least twelve academic books. I am too puzzled to elaborate this.
4. Be more in touch with my friends. In last five, six years, after living in  Finland, Swaziland, the United States, Croatia, the Netherlands and attending seminars in Ukraine and Spain, I believe I have all the people I need in my life. I just need to revive the relationships and be happy about the fact that I have encountered all these people in my life.
5. Be happier. It is easier than either of us could imagine.

It feels strange to back in Finland once more. I wish I could go back in the past and never move.
I guess I am just afraid of life.