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I was not sure if it was you.

And I am still not sure if it is you.

I attempted to learn ten consonants of Indian alphabets two hours ago and I believe if I continue studying all these letters and things that simply make no sense, I could learn to read and write my mother language in less than two weeks. Perhaps not fluently, maybe I will not be India's next prestigious poet and most probably I will give up in weeks, but I still need to try. A few years ago I had the habit of making a list of things that I should do when the New Year knocked your heart and entered with fireworks. I tended to make the list vague and general so it could apply to every single person in the world, but the following list is for my mind, for my heart, for my crumbling world as I need some things that could keep my universe intact. Each year is heavier and more difficult than the earlier one - and each year I would like to believe things will change - and each year I cry more than in the previous one - and with more sadness, I am merrier. But I need stability. I need something constant as right at the moment the ground on which I walk shifts and changes too often and I fall and soon enough I will be incapable of standing up on my own anymore. Change is necessary and this time I will be the change.

1. I will learn to read and write Hindi and in addition to that, I will begin to study French and will be able to produce a short story by end of the year in both languages. The stories will be happier than any other story that I have written in my life. They will be also the first stories I have written since 2009.
2. Tell my mother and father and my brothers, how much I love them & care for them. They have been there always, they have done the best for me and without their help and support I would have been unable to do all the things I have done in my life. Including writing stories about falling love & falling out from love.
3. Read at least twelve academic books. I am too puzzled to elaborate this.
4. Be more in touch with my friends. In last five, six years, after living in  Finland, Swaziland, the United States, Croatia, the Netherlands and attending seminars in Ukraine and Spain, I believe I have all the people I need in my life. I just need to revive the relationships and be happy about the fact that I have encountered all these people in my life.
5. Be happier. It is easier than either of us could imagine.

It feels strange to back in Finland once more. I wish I could go back in the past and never move.
I guess I am just afraid of life.

I want to be a writer

My attempt to tell stories about snowman who has fallen in love with the sun (as absurd as it might sound), my attempt to document the days of this love story and share with the world perhaps one of the most beautiful and devastating love stories has been everything else than a success. To undress this story and put everything into simple words that we all are able to understand and comprehend: He moved to Brussels three weeks ago, he left Croatia, his parents, his friends, he left the city where he had lived for twenty-eight years to move across Europe to be closer to me. Hundreds of job applications (I know it sounds so unromantic, maybe I am better off telling the stories about the stars and boats and oceans) were sent to people who never replied back. Well that is an over exaggeration because some employers were kind enough to answer and tell him that although his CV and application looks great, there were several good applications and unfortunately at this time he was not short-listed. I sent him an email over and over again, telling him I am too sad too lonely too miserable and I had good friends in the Hague who tried to cheer me up and said that Nitin everything is alright, he will move to Brussels soon and things will be better. And oh how I could not stop thinking how this all reminded me of the past when I was in the United States and the people closest to kept saying over and over again that everything is alright, he will move to Canada and in the end I was too depressed, clinically depressed, to cope with life and I had to pack up my one suitcase that I had and move to Croatia, to be closer to him. And yet when I look at the things a year back, I feel like we made no progress, that the snowman is further away from the sun than a year ago and we go around this vicious circle in which our paths never cross because we go a circle, there is no intersection. 

I wish I could tell everything I wish I could start writing again and this has been my problem for several months I complain about how I never write whenever I get the slightest chance to write and I want to tell you everything and I want you to comfort me and I want you to tell me Nitin, you write beautifully, Nitin this and that and those words from the strangers who follow your life out of curiosity and somehow somewhat become your friends, friends that you never meet and you still feel like they are everything you are looking for in a friend. New Year's Eve is coming up and it has been two years since I wrote a story of any kind and I am worried that I have lost all my talent, my ability to tell human beings about falling in love with someone who would fall in love with you, because my life has became too concrete, too literal, too actual and words simply make no sense, written words bare nothing else than fiction, utter fiction.

And yet everything what I have written now conveys more emotions than I could simply describe with spoken words... Stories, sentences, dots, birds and written alphabets used to be my friends that would backstab me in the end. And even though that all happened, they are still my friends and I miss them. I wanted to be a writer. And I still want to be.

The green grasshoppers

I have been living in the Netherlands somewhat longer than two months. In last month I think I got accustomed to the most famous way of Dutch living. Of course there will be slanders against me, because I dare to stereotype one nation into a box a category a word and there is no excuse for it. But I can't simply help it. I'm still a tourist in this state and I speak no Dutch. Strangers in the streets, but especially in the supermarkets, offer greetings in a foreign language when you are quiet and say nothing. Enough about me, although everything here is about me and no one else (perhaps one imaginary friend like the Little Prince).

I naturally speak of the green grass, I indeed label the Netherlands with marihuana.

Recently I wrote a paper and the following morning I had absolutely no idea when comparing critical theory to positivism and paradigms that circulate in the discipline of the political science. After the classes my dearest friend head off to the nearest coffeeshop and hallucinate happiness even before we reach home and clock hits three o'clock in the afternoon. You sense things that are there and you believe in things that used to be there, but not anymore. It is beginning of the disorganized thoughts that are unable to follow the timeline. Words in the space race with the stars and light and we all know after studying physics that the speed of alphabets and letters compares to snail's pace. And we all accept this notion happily. Because this is where we want to be; in the timeless & thoughtless space where anything and even nothing is possible.

One of the most memorable experiences of the space is Nneka's, a Nigerian-German soul artist, concert. Seven of us, seven e-tickets in our pockets and first thing we all do is to go a smoker's lounge and light our joint and it is the beginning of a journey. Music beams, bass dances, voice overwhelms, movements float, echoes tremble and people exist - a small black, perhaps seven-years-old, boy dances to reggae and oh if a white heterosexual man ever had to mimic the movements, we would not cease waiting. Everyone gathers around the boy, that embarrassing divorced man in a suit with his moves from the 70s, that old drunken woman that is desperately searching for her youth, that young Syrian teenager in Western clothes dancing like a Western woman, they all surround the boy and join in the middle with him one by one. And you know that you are in the space where your mind finds her greatest lover; gratification. 

However, even with everything I'm still longing & missing.

I'm alone until I live with him again.

Until I'm with him again I'm insecure.

Because I breathe for him.

While it still is October

We went to Amstelveen travelled for an hour and fifteen minutes searching for an Indian festival of lights, one of the holiest holidays of the nation. Had a bottle of German white wine, enjoyed the saxophone with electronic dance music and the fireworks that were blown into the sky. Randomly took a bus to Amsterdam and walked along the streets blending into the crowd and no one anymore cared who or what you were. The city reminds me of absolute freedom an idealistic utopia that should have a place only in your mind. However, in Amsterdam things become real and you feel like you have missed you entire life when you see in pink-neon lights "SEX CINEMA" and the opposite of it we have a Tibetan restaurant what else could you imagine there?

The first time I came to Amsterdam - it was just a few days before I moved to Swaziland & before I turned eighteen & started drinking & smoking - I found it be the best place on the Earth. I saw kids running around the red light district where the smell of the weed is the norm the daily routine and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Sex shops next to a kind toy store, gay boy kisses & the touch of eternal freedom shivers your spine and you feel the feeling rushing through your veins and yet with all the adrenaline, everything is still perfect.

On Monday-morning new classes will start & I believe its everything else than an opening a new chapter in my life.

Dance with me

It has been a long time since I last wrote. I have been feeling awfully nostalgic sometime now and I thought it would be good if I wrote my feelings down like I did two years ago. Since I was fourteen I kept a blog, describing my life and movements in Helsinki, needing more and more comments, the more I would get the more I would write about my life and I have everything kept safe. From the point when I first thought I had fallen in love in Durban to my suspension for hosting a member of the opposite sex overnight at the boarding school. But there is only a little written about what happened this year. The older I grew, the less I began to write. Things got more complicated, more real and somehow someway the writing ceased. Now, this night, I had decided to write somethings for myself to remember when I read this ten years after:

I have met some amazing people at my new school in the Hague; I thought I could never find friends that I had had before and it seemed very likely the first week I spent in my new hometown. And everything changed a bit by bit, things happened and I found myself laughing with so many different people. Things seemed to work out when coming to the social life - I had good friends to whom I could talk whenever wherever. I think some have unconsciously already became such friends.

Even though I'm overwhelmingly sad about the fact that I don't see S, I seem to cope. I had a devastating week and I felt giving in and drinking alcohol excessively, which last year resulted in dropping out from university in the United States and moving in with a man that I had known for two weeks physically and seven months virtually. This week was terrible. I had presentations after presentations and I freeze and fail. It is a common feeling, isn't it?

However, I am still sad. I miss the touch, I miss the feeling of being next to your loved one, waking up next to him, feeling happy and living your life. I am sad, but I am happy, because when you know this feeling, you know that you are in love and this will never let you down - even when you are sad, it does not let you down. I miss S, but things will work out. Everything will be alright.

Happy Birthday S!

S with his two (out of four) bitches as he calls them.

It was his birthday yesterday - he turned twenty-eight, although I constantly teased him and said you are actually thirty because your mother thinks I am a year older than I actually am. He responded every single time with a boyishly innocent smile and said that no, I am now twenty-two years old. Once I said oh you have already reached the age where you have to start counting backwards and he gave me a "Let's-Pretend-I'm-Angry"-look. I kissed him and laughed. I love you, my dearest.

I had been planning his birthday for a long time - I wanted and needed everything to be perfect, because he had told me many times that he is always unhappy on his birthdays and there's usually nothing to look forward to that day. The whole last week I ran from one place to another, trying to reach his friends so they could make a short video clip for him. I had to contact his friends from Belgrad, Podgorica, Rovinj, Zagreb, Brussels and ask them to make something for him, because these friends are dear to him. I asked one of his friends to translate a text message so I could send it to his mother who spoke no English, because I wanted his mother to be in the video, too. I browsed through several different shops in the city in order to find a perfect wallet for him as his old one was crumbling into pieces. I secretly met his friend, Danijela, and together we ordered a heart-shaped fruit cake, flowers delivered to our apartment for the birthday-morning and reserved a restaurant which would allow us to bring the cake. I told her to join the dinner with an another friend of his, but not to tell him - I wanted to keep everything as a surprise. I found Indian curry that I decided to make for birthday lunch, I bought sweets that he enjoys, I got him soap bubbles to feel like a child once again, I burned the corners of a piece of paper and coffee-stained it and wrote a short love letter on the eve of his birthday. I baked blueberry muffins when he was sleeping so I could surprise in the morning when he wakes up. I wanted and needed everything to be perfect.

However, the cunning future planted surprised for me and step by step imperfection was coming closer. The restaurant informed me later that they would be close next week and they were deeply sorry about it. The other option told my friend that they have free space, but the cake is not allowed. The video was too long (52 minutes) and my MacBook constantly said it cannot be burned on DVD. When putting the tray of blueberry muffins in the owen, the tray fell twice and so did the muffins. He found parts of my gifts, because I was too clumsy and he also announced that he might be sad on his birthday, because his family is having problems. I began to be devastated and sad and wanted to give up, tell him I'm so so so sorry, but I cannot do this, I cannot make your day perfect, I cannot make you happy, I'm incapable to reach your standards. It was all too difficult.

In the morning, he woke up early and kissed me with a sad smile - he said later that he was feeling bad in the morning because it was his birthday. I went quickly to the shop to buy ice cream and candles - I smashed bananas and mixed them with milk and ice cream and vanilla sugar and there it was, the first milkshake I had ever met - I put the candles on the muffins that looked awful. I put our music to play and changed the television screen to "Happy Birthday, S!"-image. Flowers arrived soon after, gifts were given and French toast with syrup and jam was served. We tried to watch South Park online, but the connection was too slow and I told him that I could put a movie on. He began to play with his phone, I put my video on the memory stick and started to play the project on which I had been working on for the whole week. He asked me what's this, then he got silent, then he laughed... Fifty minutes of emotions that are familiar to every single human being. He said it was the best thing that he had ever received and that no one ever has done something like this for him. I told him that he is special and deserves even more that I could offer.

He was pleasantly surprised to see his friends at the restaurant, he was shocked with the size of cake and about the fact that there even was a cake, he told me I love you several times and even more he said Thank you when there was no need for it. In the night he took me to the bedroom, took my clothes off and held me tightly and said that he has not been this happy in a long time, he adores me and that he knows that we will be together for rest of our lives. I turned my back to him in order to sleep, I could feel his naked body pressing against mine and he told me he enjoys holding me when he falls asleep, that he was surprised when last week a couple that visited us slept so apart from each other because he could never be able to sleep without feeling my touch.

I said happy birthday for the last time

& we fell asleep.

To destroy everything that matters to you

With the clouds unknown approaches...

And happiness might be just around the corner.

Today I fought with him in a way that it is unforgivable. I said words that carried pain, but not a slightest bit of truth. I spoke things that made no sense to either of us and I saw him crashing down once again. It was not my world that was in the boxing ring getting punched one after another, but his and I was betting, our love on the stake. I have been afraid all the time about the future, living apart from him in the Netherlands that I had started to create a distance between us, building it artificially in order for me to leave easier and be happier in a place where I really don't want to be, but have to be. He tries so hard to get a job in the Netherlands, but time after time he's world is knocked out and instead of me picking it up, I walk upon it. Words slipped out of my mouth, my feeling for you have changed and there was no way to take them back. A hint of doubt was planted in his mind and everything got worse, no matter how many apologizes I write down, what words come out of my throat, how I would pick up his world from the ground, that will be never taken away. He looked at me with eyes that held tears back, you've given up on us haven't you and there's a moment of silence instead of a straight-forward two-lettered word. I love you. I love you, too. Why do you this to me, why do you make me sad? I don't know. Why do you say these things what do you mean? I don't know. What do you want do you want me to leave you do you want us to break up? No, I don't. Tell me what you want please tell me even if you don't love me anymore, please be honest, I think I deserve honesty, even if you don't love me, I don't deserve this, I am a good person N, I love you, I love you endlessly. 

There should be a word for to crumble your loved one's world with the intention of crumbling your love one's world whilst being more in love with your loved one than ever before. 

In English language the term is: madness.