Happy Birthday S!

S with his two (out of four) bitches as he calls them.

It was his birthday yesterday - he turned twenty-eight, although I constantly teased him and said you are actually thirty because your mother thinks I am a year older than I actually am. He responded every single time with a boyishly innocent smile and said that no, I am now twenty-two years old. Once I said oh you have already reached the age where you have to start counting backwards and he gave me a "Let's-Pretend-I'm-Angry"-look. I kissed him and laughed. I love you, my dearest.

I had been planning his birthday for a long time - I wanted and needed everything to be perfect, because he had told me many times that he is always unhappy on his birthdays and there's usually nothing to look forward to that day. The whole last week I ran from one place to another, trying to reach his friends so they could make a short video clip for him. I had to contact his friends from Belgrad, Podgorica, Rovinj, Zagreb, Brussels and ask them to make something for him, because these friends are dear to him. I asked one of his friends to translate a text message so I could send it to his mother who spoke no English, because I wanted his mother to be in the video, too. I browsed through several different shops in the city in order to find a perfect wallet for him as his old one was crumbling into pieces. I secretly met his friend, Danijela, and together we ordered a heart-shaped fruit cake, flowers delivered to our apartment for the birthday-morning and reserved a restaurant which would allow us to bring the cake. I told her to join the dinner with an another friend of his, but not to tell him - I wanted to keep everything as a surprise. I found Indian curry that I decided to make for birthday lunch, I bought sweets that he enjoys, I got him soap bubbles to feel like a child once again, I burned the corners of a piece of paper and coffee-stained it and wrote a short love letter on the eve of his birthday. I baked blueberry muffins when he was sleeping so I could surprise in the morning when he wakes up. I wanted and needed everything to be perfect.

However, the cunning future planted surprised for me and step by step imperfection was coming closer. The restaurant informed me later that they would be close next week and they were deeply sorry about it. The other option told my friend that they have free space, but the cake is not allowed. The video was too long (52 minutes) and my MacBook constantly said it cannot be burned on DVD. When putting the tray of blueberry muffins in the owen, the tray fell twice and so did the muffins. He found parts of my gifts, because I was too clumsy and he also announced that he might be sad on his birthday, because his family is having problems. I began to be devastated and sad and wanted to give up, tell him I'm so so so sorry, but I cannot do this, I cannot make your day perfect, I cannot make you happy, I'm incapable to reach your standards. It was all too difficult.

In the morning, he woke up early and kissed me with a sad smile - he said later that he was feeling bad in the morning because it was his birthday. I went quickly to the shop to buy ice cream and candles - I smashed bananas and mixed them with milk and ice cream and vanilla sugar and there it was, the first milkshake I had ever met - I put the candles on the muffins that looked awful. I put our music to play and changed the television screen to "Happy Birthday, S!"-image. Flowers arrived soon after, gifts were given and French toast with syrup and jam was served. We tried to watch South Park online, but the connection was too slow and I told him that I could put a movie on. He began to play with his phone, I put my video on the memory stick and started to play the project on which I had been working on for the whole week. He asked me what's this, then he got silent, then he laughed... Fifty minutes of emotions that are familiar to every single human being. He said it was the best thing that he had ever received and that no one ever has done something like this for him. I told him that he is special and deserves even more that I could offer.

He was pleasantly surprised to see his friends at the restaurant, he was shocked with the size of cake and about the fact that there even was a cake, he told me I love you several times and even more he said Thank you when there was no need for it. In the night he took me to the bedroom, took my clothes off and held me tightly and said that he has not been this happy in a long time, he adores me and that he knows that we will be together for rest of our lives. I turned my back to him in order to sleep, I could feel his naked body pressing against mine and he told me he enjoys holding me when he falls asleep, that he was surprised when last week a couple that visited us slept so apart from each other because he could never be able to sleep without feeling my touch.

I said happy birthday for the last time

& we fell asleep.

To destroy everything that matters to you

With the clouds unknown approaches...

And happiness might be just around the corner.

Today I fought with him in a way that it is unforgivable. I said words that carried pain, but not a slightest bit of truth. I spoke things that made no sense to either of us and I saw him crashing down once again. It was not my world that was in the boxing ring getting punched one after another, but his and I was betting, our love on the stake. I have been afraid all the time about the future, living apart from him in the Netherlands that I had started to create a distance between us, building it artificially in order for me to leave easier and be happier in a place where I really don't want to be, but have to be. He tries so hard to get a job in the Netherlands, but time after time he's world is knocked out and instead of me picking it up, I walk upon it. Words slipped out of my mouth, my feeling for you have changed and there was no way to take them back. A hint of doubt was planted in his mind and everything got worse, no matter how many apologizes I write down, what words come out of my throat, how I would pick up his world from the ground, that will be never taken away. He looked at me with eyes that held tears back, you've given up on us haven't you and there's a moment of silence instead of a straight-forward two-lettered word. I love you. I love you, too. Why do you this to me, why do you make me sad? I don't know. Why do you say these things what do you mean? I don't know. What do you want do you want me to leave you do you want us to break up? No, I don't. Tell me what you want please tell me even if you don't love me anymore, please be honest, I think I deserve honesty, even if you don't love me, I don't deserve this, I am a good person N, I love you, I love you endlessly. 

There should be a word for to crumble your loved one's world with the intention of crumbling your love one's world whilst being more in love with your loved one than ever before. 

In English language the term is: madness.

The sun shines in Toledo all day long

She said I was unable to understand what was so beautiful about the skies of Spain, the rundown buildings of Spanish cities and most importantly the men and women who always seem to be madly in love and not afraid of showing their emotions in the bustling streets of Madrid. I visited Spain last month for the first time and I attended a seminar in a small city of Toledo, that was an half hour away from Madrid by high-speed train. Perhaps it was her who wanted me to see Toledo in this period; they celebrated Corpus Christi and fireworks exploded in the blue ocean of the heavens; children painted their faces with Spanish yellow and red; concerts were held in the main square of the city and everyone smiled, laughed and looked happy; streets were blocked for the parade and people stood on each side of the street, the smallest ones trying to see as much as possible; I drank in the castle with people who I had known only for six hours and still I felt like I had known them forever; huge cathedrals rose out of nowhere and the city seemed to be a manifesto of Christianity; liters of Sangria were bought, spilled and drank; the truth about Spain was revealed.

My stay in Toledo included every-night drinking in a parking lot of the cattle; climbing up terribly hills in order to get to the city (and later on to find out that there were escalators to the city); sharing secrets; finding out that Spain was nearly as beautiful as she had been telling me.

Yet there seemed to be something missing constantly -

my love who was in Croatia.

Not alright

at one point our paths crossed in the sky.
but we did not know how to stop moving forward.

Helsinki, December 2008.

find a song that makes you happy. whenever you'd play you'd feel this joy in you. even if only briefly. post random messages around your hometown. leave a note in the bus saying 'I'd like to be your friend, but I'm too scared'. go to a tourist information and speak in English with a strong foreign accent. ask ridiculous questions. apologize every minute. tell them that you are from Moldova. smile. be sad and be happy and be joyful and be jealous and be whatever you want to be as long as you are not afraid of being what you are. it is hard. if nothing else, then be alone. and be what you want to be. write a letter. write about yourself. things that you like about yourself. things that you like about the world. things that you like. things that make you happy. pick a telephone directory. browsed until you find a name that you really like. take the address and send the letter to that person. one morning wake up earlier than your mother. make breakfast for her. ask your mother what was her dream when she was young. what did she want to become? what's her favorite color? did she have her own room in her childhood? take a local bus that you have never taken. take your camera and preferably your friend. talk about the things that you did yesterday. keep your eyes on the view. get out of the bus at a random stop and take another public transportation. get lost. wonder. be with your friend and get to know him/her. don't worry about what will happen. (take a phone, too. just in case, but turn it off.) go through your old photos. see what you used to be. see what you are now. embrace yourself. love yourself because you came this far. it has been a rough, difficult journey but do realize that you're still standing and breathing and living and that if nothing else is already an accomplishment. when someone compliments you don't start arguing with the person. accept it. say thank you if you cannot say anything else. imagine that the person was being serious. picture a scenario where a person really enjoys you and likes your work. feel good about it. feel amazing about it. feel free to be a good person. write a note to yourself. 'everything will be okay' and put it somewhere where you'll see it all the time. because everything will be okay.

Everything should be alright. Yesterday I found out that my new university will offer me a full scholarship covering the tuition fees and the rent.

Yet everything around you & me crumbles.
And the sad man is left to pick up the pieces of things that existed a second ago.

Aren't we all running?

let's read books and fall in love with characters, who will not love you back.

zanzibar, 2007.

There is this annoying error in you that makes you want to live the things that you already have experienced once again. You read the things that you have written in the past and no matter how vivid and lively you have tried to make them, they keep continue being words and images in your mind and nothing more. You thought that time that nothing was fine and everything will be better in the future, but when tomorrow comes by and knocks your door you are thinking of yesterday that was vaguely more pleasant if nothing else. You have fallen in love, you have the money and you can stay in a luxurious four-star hotel in the city that you never thought of visiting. However, things get more and more complicated and they say the more experience you have, the better you can handle things, but if you are like me, nothing feels better than idolizing the past, the time where you lived as the time where you live is lacking of something, something necessary - and when you will look back at this day, it all is going to make sense. Now when it is known, you know what to expect. When it is unknown, you know nothing and you say Aren't we all running?

This year I have traveled to Finland twice, visited Belgrade that is the European version of New York City, gone to Graz that is beautiful, been disgusted by Montenegrin Podgorica that is a city where you could film a futuristic film about the global society that has collapsed, smoked marihuana in the war-zone of Sarajevo, annoyed dozens of other tourists in the old city of Dubrovnik, kissed in the rainy Budapest, wondered through alleys of Madrid and still nothing is fine. This year is still this year and it is a problem until it becomes last year, because then I have the real and correct reason to romanticize it. Until then, I suffer through it, fight with your loved one, live in anxiety and be afraid of the future and the only secure thing you seem to have is the past, you curse yourself for not being happier, jollier and other adjectives that are labeled positive when you learn languages. It is a problem that I have - I am constantly yearning the past and unable to live today. I have identified the problem long time ago and it occurs all the time. They say there is no cure for it. You live through it, because there are happy moments in your life. It is just that you don't recognize them until they are over and therefore you are unable to truly enjoy them.

I guess one year I should celebrate the new year in Russian Valivostok, the largest port city on the Pacific Ocean. And as soon as the year changes, I should take a charter flight to Anchorage, Alaska where they would live in the past for me and celebrate the New Year's Eve once again. 

Perhaps then I would realize that the change in days, weeks, months or years makes no difference. 

To Spanish Kiss

You took my hand and saidToday we will go to Spain and kiss in Spanish.

Oh God, but I don't know how to kiss in Spanish!I panicked, walked in a circle, I felt as if the bridgethat connects my heart to yours was crumbling,nothing made sense, I should be happyyou will take me to Spainand you will me show
the world.

You touched my left cheek, my eyes dwelling in chaos,your fingers moved to my left ear, gently massaging.
We know how to Spanish kiss more than anyone else in the world.
And then you kissed me.
The world trembled.

Old buildings greeted us wherever we talked hand in handpeople to lesser extent, but as always you said that these
grey, wine-stained walls have seen more than any human being could ever imagine.

It was like we were back in the 1950s,yellowish tinted sky with a hint of explosion.
Beautiful, I uttered in your arms.

You suddenly stood up, ran ahead of me but not away from me.As suddenly you had stood up, you also stopped running.You turned around, now looking at me and smiling.
Now the city is beautiful.

I looked at you and thought to myself,I will always be love with this manwho will always be in love with me.
And I ceased wondering why and just enjoyed.

The Croatian paradise

Rovinj is the European equivalent to Zanzibar, the paradise on the Earth. Run-down windows, decaying walls, speechless windows and streets in which cars are unable to fit now & tomorrow. The town is bursting with joy and laughter and things simply feel good in this city. Cafes sprinkled around the Stari Grad (old town), homemade ice cream with a selection of pistachio and yoghurt and whatever your mind can think of. Italian tourists speaking their own language and the Croatian is tuned down from place to place as they have lost their position as an overwhelming majority in this part of the country. You take the hand of you loved one in secret, because someone could still you & scream something at you, yell, mock, attack, but you are too much in love with the serenity, with the silent words craved in the air for centuries and and most importantly you are too much in love with a person who is everything to your mind & heart & soul. Rovinj holds you tightly & 

everything is alright once again.

They want to be something

-- wandering, lingering.

Once you were not much to look at.

Today you are beautiful.

Take a coffee in this street

-- watch them wandering, lingering

while you sip your coffee & smoke a cigarette.

It goes on & on,

never ends.

And it all is so old, you think.

I think I fell in love with the windows

-- they have told me more than you could ever

said even if you read aloud the dictionary to me.

We all linger, wander.

But we live, too.